城市里每个人都是挫败的受害者，却同时是伤害他人的恐怖分子。在都会文化中，仿佛有一份让人与人间，充满挫败的可能性，有目标的，无目标的，皆在有意无意间在行为上伤害朋友甚至陌生人。


------ 这是人的问题，不是都会的问题

I wanna

Cut and colour my hair ( what colour?? Black is the new brown, but i think i look old and boring with black hair)

Watch lust caution ALONE. Yes, so please, stop asking me to watch with you. Though i don't think you will read this.

Sit in a cafe and write poetry, pondering over life. The magics and tragics of the the big word, LIFE.

Read " Where is God when it hurts?"
Read Jane Austen

Watch lots of deep deep movies. Movies that depict the sadness of love and life, so i can cry all i want. Movies that potray a much more idealistic world than the real one out here, so that i can mock and laugh at the silliness of cultural capitalism.

Cleanse my thoughts, and walk out of jail.

Just in case i die in my sleep, just wanna let you know that I love you.

I swear there's a snake hiding on the rooftop.

It's getting back. Shit.

Im feeling cold all over, and i sense yet another cycle of invasion.

Why do all these have to come back?? I wanna give the heart, the mind a tight slap, a sturdy punch to stop all these.

Shit. I dun wanna sink.

事与愿违。

Wanted to run, but as i was anticipating the clock to strike 615, i realised im feverish.

Damn sian.

Im still grieving afterall, for what seems like an eternity.

Talking to her has helped me gained an insight, thoughts which are hidden in the subconcious mind has suddenly surfaced and make some sense.

Allow yourself to heal. It's ok to grieve, its fine to grieve, but don't dwell. Humans are imperfect, there is no perfect love, only conditional and unconditional love. Friends, true friends give unconditional love. Be receptive of this love. What good things do we see when love dies? Relief. Relieve, release from the painful suffering of a lifeless, loveless relationship. Learning that its not meant to be, and that it's over. Relieve that it's hurting now, for the hurt may be so much more painful and unbearable if love dies, and the relationship goes on.

When and how can i end the grieving and take a leap towards healing? Felt like i've been running on the treadmil for 8 months, covering distances but no displacement. With gallons of sweat dripping and evaporating and dripping and evaporating and dripping and evaporating.....

It doesn't take much effort to truely appreciate life.

Knowing that there are friends out there who care for you, no matter how distant they seem to be.

The gift of a neatly wrapped book in morning, with a note that says it all :)

Meals with company.

Shopping, reading, swimming and running after exams.

Being a taiwan student thereafter.

And yeah, having someone to spend your life and love with.

FAITH.

好想念好想念那时的关怀、那时的呵护、那时的被爱。

这样有错吗？我不知道。 要理智、必须理智。但，心始终都无法得到慰籍。

我非常清楚不可能了。也不会再有了。

但却无法毁灭欲望。

这就是我的问题、我的执著、我的毒药。

何尝不把自己也毁了。这就是解药。

Im like the heart, a little child.

Im the mind, the adult.

Don't admonish the heart, listen to her speak about her wants and needs, but don't ever judge.

Understand her wants and needs.

Guide her into achieving real wants, and fulfiling real needs.

Have you ever listened to your heart without reprimanding her? Have you ever truely listened to your heart when you have not been doing so without ever realising it? Have you been letting your mind do what's she suppose to do at certain point of time? Its ok to fail. We're humans afterall.

For you may realise, the mind and heart are non-existent. Its we who are living the real life.

:(

The painkillers are making me nauseous and drowsy. And my arm is aching from the jab :(

I want a hug :(

I had the most traumatising ( and ridiculous) accident today. In short, i bang my head against the wall, and saw the largest amount of blood coming from myself.( apart from the girl's monthly thing)

And so, ive got great friends who rushed down from school and drove me to NUH A&E Dept. Managed to escape a jab and stitches, had glue to cover up my wound instead. Yes GLUE. I love you. You saved my life. Oh i had a jab, just in case of an infection.

Maybe i've emerged from this accident as a stronger person. ( without the stitched and anesthesia, that is)

Everything happens for a reason, don't they?

I wished i've seeked help earlier, and now i can't wait to see her. But im afraid its going to be yet another futile attempt. Can even anyone help me when im not even helping myself??

For these past months, ive been wanting to scream at everyone's face, not that i don't appreciate your effort, not that i don't treasure your help and advices, but " why don't you just just stop telling me to forget him???!! because the fucking truth is i love him a whole damn lot to not even not think about him, let alone to forget him." No offense, but yeah, im just speaking my mind. And yeah, i don't blame all of you. Afterall, you're not me.

Each day, for moments of the day, for moments in the night, there are bound to be invasions of memories. And they all never fail to tear my heart apart, reduce me to a pathetic crying state that i myself hate. Do you enjoy long train rides with him, even though it meant parting at the reach of the destination? I did, and i truely appreciate his thoughtfulness of staying with me till the train reached the east, even though he could have alighted 10 minutes from the start of the journey. And i really really love holding his jaw, supporting his head as he was nodding away in his sleep, all in hope not to aggrevate his neck pain. I simply adore tucking him to bed, and watching him drift to sleep peacefully like a little boy. I love calling him a fool. I love the way his lips moved when he speaks. I love the old ah pek singlet that he wore all so often. I miss the unique scent of his clothes. I miss the the distraught look on his face when he has just woken up. I miss him calling me dear dear. And i simply miss those days.

Can anyone ever understand. No. Not even if you've experienced the same thing. Coz its just way too much of a personal experience.

Nothing can explain this love. Just like i don't even know where im right now.

Some actions are just totally uncalled for. I don't have to look through your pictures to retrieve that poor, pathetic, no longer existence image of you. But i just want to. And look who's hurting now. I want to live a happy life, happier than yours, as carefree as you. But hey look, sometimes trying too hard just proves that you are a total loser. you dump, you are the one being dumped. How can you possibly be better off than him? I hate myself for still holding on to the past, you. If i had the courage to expose myself to yet another storm of sadness and aching pain, why wouldn't i just delete you from my life once and for all. It's just so hard. If only i can be better off than you.

I feel you because i want to .

Seeing people busking in happiness makes me happy for them. And it also makes me wonder, will i ever be able to be as happy as them? Will there just be a day, a person to fill this empitiness, to eliminate this lonliness in me?

Maybe no one but myself. And HIM. Maybe.

Saw beautiful tiny flowers , woodpecker, and a happy, blissful couple on my way back from dinner. Its a gift to witness the beauty of life, and maybe, someday, someone will get to witness the beauty of my life :)