I feel like shit. i'm just trying to keep my sanity.

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

好多事情， 我们都希望只是个恶梦。

不能重来。

我曾经说过 ，爱一个人，一生只有一次。

现在我要说， 留给值得你爱的人。

My purchases:

skinny jeans $36

top $ 18

dress (times 3) $ 92

necklace $5--------> super cheap!!

bangles ( times 3) $6------> super cheap!!

hair cut plus dye plus treatment $62



shit..................i need a job. But im lazy to work!!!

Any lobangs????????

Engulfed in thoughts and emotions.

Museum was great. I really enjoy the solo trip. Thereby, i proved to be capable of doing things and going to places alone. Not that i have to prove to anyone or myself, i always knew that i am independent. Yes, i am. But when it comes to simply the emotional aspects of a human being, im dependent. Who isn't? Admist the solace and peace of being alone, i really yearn for someone to talk to, to share my thoughts with, to relate to. Too bad, humans are just programmed this way, its this that makes us humane afterall. She said that too, and i totally agree, with a hint of sadness and unwillingness.

Movie was the killer of the day. I couldn't take my mind off the movie. It provoked such deep thoughts in me that i myself wouldn't have expected. Perhaps she really loved him, perhaps he did too. But they did not fell in love with each other, but with the person whom shares the same predicament, in the midst of their fears and insecurities.

And well, i managed not to drink again, though i really wanted to.

It's all coming back to me. Waves of invasion. I really am not sure how to go about dealing with it. I just can't seem to take my mind off things. The more i read, the more i keep myself occupied, it just keeps coming back. And now im really afraid that i may end up where i was at the very beginning.

I woke up today and looked into the mirror. And i saw the track of a dried tear stain from the corner of the eye right down tot he ear. And i thought " Oh, i cried last night?" Amazingly, i don't remember crying before i went to sleep. But i knew i was sad.

This is bad, real bad.

Just when im getting all excited and prepared to embark on my solo journey to the museums, im feeling giddy and breathless. Shit. Im old. Or is there something wrong with my body????

Just pray that i won't faint halfway or my knees won't give way.

My mum came back from a walk by the reservoir with a SWOLLEN knee. Yes, im getting all jittery, maybe it's a sign. It just runs in the family. Damn it. I better walk, run, jump all i can before i can't.

Bye bye!! My solo journey begins!! :)

I used to look forward to the weekends. And now, i dread it.

I loved saturday nights. But these days, it's swept by waves of empitness.

I used to like the no. 22 a lot, a whole damn lot. But i dread the coming 22nd, every coming 22nd. And the one next year.

Now, tell me how. How???????

I think i need to arrange my next appointment. Im such a leech.

城市里每个人都是挫败的受害者，却同时是伤害他人的恐怖分子。在都会文化中，仿佛有一份让人与人间，充满挫败的可能性，有目标的，无目标的，皆在有意无意间在行为上伤害朋友甚至陌生人。


------ 这是人的问题，不是都会的问题

I wanna

Cut and colour my hair ( what colour?? Black is the new brown, but i think i look old and boring with black hair)

Watch lust caution ALONE. Yes, so please, stop asking me to watch with you. Though i don't think you will read this.

Sit in a cafe and write poetry, pondering over life. The magics and tragics of the the big word, LIFE.

Read " Where is God when it hurts?"
Read Jane Austen

Watch lots of deep deep movies. Movies that depict the sadness of love and life, so i can cry all i want. Movies that potray a much more idealistic world than the real one out here, so that i can mock and laugh at the silliness of cultural capitalism.

Cleanse my thoughts, and walk out of jail.

Just in case i die in my sleep, just wanna let you know that I love you.

I swear there's a snake hiding on the rooftop.

It's getting back. Shit.

Im feeling cold all over, and i sense yet another cycle of invasion.

Why do all these have to come back?? I wanna give the heart, the mind a tight slap, a sturdy punch to stop all these.

Shit. I dun wanna sink.

事与愿违。

Wanted to run, but as i was anticipating the clock to strike 615, i realised im feverish.

Damn sian.

Im still grieving afterall, for what seems like an eternity.

Talking to her has helped me gained an insight, thoughts which are hidden in the subconcious mind has suddenly surfaced and make some sense.

Allow yourself to heal. It's ok to grieve, its fine to grieve, but don't dwell. Humans are imperfect, there is no perfect love, only conditional and unconditional love. Friends, true friends give unconditional love. Be receptive of this love. What good things do we see when love dies? Relief. Relieve, release from the painful suffering of a lifeless, loveless relationship. Learning that its not meant to be, and that it's over. Relieve that it's hurting now, for the hurt may be so much more painful and unbearable if love dies, and the relationship goes on.

When and how can i end the grieving and take a leap towards healing? Felt like i've been running on the treadmil for 8 months, covering distances but no displacement. With gallons of sweat dripping and evaporating and dripping and evaporating and dripping and evaporating.....

It doesn't take much effort to truely appreciate life.

Knowing that there are friends out there who care for you, no matter how distant they seem to be.

The gift of a neatly wrapped book in morning, with a note that says it all :)

Meals with company.

Shopping, reading, swimming and running after exams.

Being a taiwan student thereafter.

And yeah, having someone to spend your life and love with.

FAITH.

好想念好想念那时的关怀、那时的呵护、那时的被爱。

这样有错吗？我不知道。 要理智、必须理智。但，心始终都无法得到慰籍。

我非常清楚不可能了。也不会再有了。

但却无法毁灭欲望。

这就是我的问题、我的执著、我的毒药。

何尝不把自己也毁了。这就是解药。

Im like the heart, a little child.

Im the mind, the adult.

Don't admonish the heart, listen to her speak about her wants and needs, but don't ever judge.

Understand her wants and needs.

Guide her into achieving real wants, and fulfiling real needs.

Have you ever listened to your heart without reprimanding her? Have you ever truely listened to your heart when you have not been doing so without ever realising it? Have you been letting your mind do what's she suppose to do at certain point of time? Its ok to fail. We're humans afterall.

For you may realise, the mind and heart are non-existent. Its we who are living the real life.

:(

The painkillers are making me nauseous and drowsy. And my arm is aching from the jab :(

I want a hug :(

I had the most traumatising ( and ridiculous) accident today. In short, i bang my head against the wall, and saw the largest amount of blood coming from myself.( apart from the girl's monthly thing)

And so, ive got great friends who rushed down from school and drove me to NUH A&E Dept. Managed to escape a jab and stitches, had glue to cover up my wound instead. Yes GLUE. I love you. You saved my life. Oh i had a jab, just in case of an infection.

Maybe i've emerged from this accident as a stronger person. ( without the stitched and anesthesia, that is)

Everything happens for a reason, don't they?

I wished i've seeked help earlier, and now i can't wait to see her. But im afraid its going to be yet another futile attempt. Can even anyone help me when im not even helping myself??

For these past months, ive been wanting to scream at everyone's face, not that i don't appreciate your effort, not that i don't treasure your help and advices, but " why don't you just just stop telling me to forget him???!! because the fucking truth is i love him a whole damn lot to not even not think about him, let alone to forget him." No offense, but yeah, im just speaking my mind. And yeah, i don't blame all of you. Afterall, you're not me.

Each day, for moments of the day, for moments in the night, there are bound to be invasions of memories. And they all never fail to tear my heart apart, reduce me to a pathetic crying state that i myself hate. Do you enjoy long train rides with him, even though it meant parting at the reach of the destination? I did, and i truely appreciate his thoughtfulness of staying with me till the train reached the east, even though he could have alighted 10 minutes from the start of the journey. And i really really love holding his jaw, supporting his head as he was nodding away in his sleep, all in hope not to aggrevate his neck pain. I simply adore tucking him to bed, and watching him drift to sleep peacefully like a little boy. I love calling him a fool. I love the way his lips moved when he speaks. I love the old ah pek singlet that he wore all so often. I miss the unique scent of his clothes. I miss the the distraught look on his face when he has just woken up. I miss him calling me dear dear. And i simply miss those days.

Can anyone ever understand. No. Not even if you've experienced the same thing. Coz its just way too much of a personal experience.

Nothing can explain this love. Just like i don't even know where im right now.

Some actions are just totally uncalled for. I don't have to look through your pictures to retrieve that poor, pathetic, no longer existence image of you. But i just want to. And look who's hurting now. I want to live a happy life, happier than yours, as carefree as you. But hey look, sometimes trying too hard just proves that you are a total loser. you dump, you are the one being dumped. How can you possibly be better off than him? I hate myself for still holding on to the past, you. If i had the courage to expose myself to yet another storm of sadness and aching pain, why wouldn't i just delete you from my life once and for all. It's just so hard. If only i can be better off than you.

I feel you because i want to .

Seeing people busking in happiness makes me happy for them. And it also makes me wonder, will i ever be able to be as happy as them? Will there just be a day, a person to fill this empitiness, to eliminate this lonliness in me?

Maybe no one but myself. And HIM. Maybe.

Saw beautiful tiny flowers , woodpecker, and a happy, blissful couple on my way back from dinner. Its a gift to witness the beauty of life, and maybe, someday, someone will get to witness the beauty of my life :)

I just ended my 6 to 830 lesson. Presentations followed by presentations......... and there's a quiz tomorrow...plus tutorial till 730.

Wanted to relax and get out of school after the quiz...but as usual, things don't go according to plan.

I think i will go see the counselor tomorrow. It's time.

puking post

Pardon me, i need to vomit out everything here.

Im really drained. To the point that coffee and tea doesn't help anymore. Even if it does, im distracted every 5 mins. I just feel like throwing everything out of the window, and myself out of the window. Im not depressed im not mad im just tired. I long for quiet walks in the nights, maybe i will go for one later. Oh man, it reminds me of those times, quiet walks. His sweet gesture of driving to my house and buying me moo ice cream just to cheer me up after a horrible quarrel with my mum and brother. The memories, particularly this one, just twitches my heart.

and he just bothers me so much with his nick.I know i shouldn't feel this way, but it just irritates the hell out of me. YES, i know you're having the hell of your time enjoying your freedom and being a flirt as u claimed to be. but what the fuck. like what the fuck. and the thought of her just makes me sick, the thought of the possiblity of two fucked up ppl being together is more than enough for me to puke my inestines out. shit. lets not harp on it.

Im feeling sad for popo. Knee operation twice in a row. I so can foresee myself years down the road.

Im really hoping to materalize my dream of travelling. Not just alone, but with the one. Isn't is such a beautiful thing to travel with the one, to share your thoughts, your joy, your anger, your fustrations with along the way.... is there really someone out there who truely loves me, whom we can both share our love with, and spend the moments of our lives as one? Does he exists? What if God has other plans for me? Like i won't get married, there won't be a " the one" for me?

I've given this a thought: if there really isn't someone who truely loves me for the way i am, whom wants to share the love, then its better to be alone.

Truthfully, i don't even know my honest answer to your question. I can't differentiate between missing him and missing the mere existence of a company. Im ok, i know. But am i really what i perceive myself to be??? I don't know anymore. Im still more or less the same jo in sch, in everywhere, but when im alone, i tear and cry at the slightest thought. For all i know, he might be living the high life, with another person. I know i shouldnt cry over someone who doesnt stay, who is totally out of my life, who strikes me out of his life. so why am i still crying.........blame the memories. and him.

“有多久没见你，原来就住在我心里”

“过去就让它过去”

这是我能对自己说的。 只好这样，也必须这样。

Im drowning in work. Yet the defiance to stop doing what im doing and suppose to be doing did not really come about. Maybe it did, but i was never satisfied.

Its really about the contradictions and internal struggle.

All is insignificant. Can't wait for this to end.

Hi blog! :)